GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
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Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
That’s what I call a flat tire
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
My flabber has been gasted.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
they really do be looking like this
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.