Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
You Might Also Like
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I would move hell over six inches for you
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.