I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
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most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?