1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
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I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye