North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
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I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
The booster protects against what, now?
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.