people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
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How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?