The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
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i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.