If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If a snake ate a cake
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking