Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?