Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.