Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
You Might Also Like
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
is nasa ok
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me, reading some of your tweets
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.