Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.