My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”