Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
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[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m listening
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.