As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.