ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
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This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I beg your pardon?
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika