My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
so i’m at the stock market right
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*