me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Cashiers are always checking me out
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?