Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
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All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Bros before Ohioes
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Yes my dude
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*