I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Phonetics
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating