My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
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BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.