Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
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[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
According to math, I’m broke
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals