Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
You Might Also Like
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
this is the best day of my life
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
what are they serving at kfc then???
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.