i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
You Might Also Like
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock