Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3