Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*