judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids