rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Every work call, he judges.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”