To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.