*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.