Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣