Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
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Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Said the murderer.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.