*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
You Might Also Like
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.