“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
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Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.