I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Dead sexy!!
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.