Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
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I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Proctology is located in A55
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.