[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
🤣🤣🤣
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.