Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
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Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.