I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.