God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.