Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
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old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
men, we mow at sunrise.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
こいつ天才
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u