My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.