‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
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Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers