Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
You Might Also Like
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.