“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
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I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.