Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
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TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Breaking news:
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Hotels are back
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Google Pay be like:
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Did…did a minotaur write this
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born