gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho