you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
No chill.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
“you changed” bro i was 15
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired