Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Why is this me 😫
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
A short story of betrayal:
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Money is the root of all wealth
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]