[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
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No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Hotels are back
i will not be silenced
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?